literature

Deafened By The Silence

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HouseOfGimp's avatar
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Literature Text

Silence, you don't have to say a word.
You say more than you think
In just a single glance.

Save your breath.  Save your energy.
For I see the way you look at me.
Your nose scrunches,
Forehead lines in bunches.
With your lip upturned I feel the burn
Of the contempt you hold for me.

I'm deafened by your silence
For it says more than words ever could.

Silence, you don't have to say a word.
You say more than you think
In just a single glance.

Save your time, I'm not worth your while
I'll pass you by wearing a smile.
Saving face,
Not falling from grace.
With an outreached arm, shake of the hand
I silently make my stand.

Are you deafened by my silence,
I maintain dignity like you never could.

Silence, you don't have to say a word.
You say more than you think
In just a single glance.

We're all deafened by the volume of saying nothing at all.
Deafened by the silence.
Funny how body language says so much more than words do.
Comments24
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OritPetra's avatar
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Impact

Hi there. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/w/w…" width="25" height="20" alt=":wave:" title="Hi!"/>

First off: an introduction and a disclaimer. I'm one of the critics over at #Live-Love-Write. Thank you so much for using the group's critique service! We hope that you'll find this critique useful, and please feel free to submit again. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/h/h…" width="15" height="13" alt=":heart:" title="Heart"/> Also, the following critique is comprised of suggestions and tips only. If you disagree with any of them, please feel free to disregard them; use only what you find useful. Remember: it's your piece, and you get the final say. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/t/t…" width="15" height="15" alt=":thumbsup:" title="Thumbs Up"/>

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Alright, now that that's out of the way, let's get the ball rolling! Overall, I think this piece develops a compelling sentiment, discusses and elaborates upon a very interesting subject (body language), and has quite a lot of potential. It is, however, a bit rough around the edges and could benefit from some careful edits and polishing.

The two main areas that I feel need work are 1) structure, and 2) (somewhat related) the rhyming scheme in the second and fifth stanzas. In the third part of my critique, I’ll go through the general execution of the piece’s ideas/messages/techniques, and give you my impressions.

1) Structure

Okay, so, I have noted that this is categorized under songs and lyrics. I’ll openly admit that that’s unfamiliar territory for me, and so this critique might miss the mark a bit in that sense. My advanced apologies if it does.

This piece is interesting in that it is not a fixed form piece, but it does develop consistent structure (likely because it is intended to be a song, of course) that goes something like this:

- refrain
- rhyming verse
- couplet (non-rhyming)

- refrain
- rhyming verse
- couplet (n-r)

- refrain
- couplet (n-r)

From a lyrical and non-lyrical point of view, this seems a bit unbalanced and repetitive. Now, of course, a song is supposed to utilise repetition. Makes it catchy, right. But here I think you’ve emphasized repetition at the expense of impact and elaboration. I think that even if you added a third rhyming verse in between the last refrain and the last couplet you’d diversify and strengthen the song considerably. As it stands now, I feel like it gets bogged down in the refrains and couplets, and the verses, where the meat of the song should be fleshed out, are thusly overshadowed.

The final couplet is also rather weak both from a structural standpoint and in terms of impact. First of all, it breaks the refrain-verse-couplet pattern you previously established by omitting the verse. Now, breaking pattern and structure can be useful, and can serve a purpose. It can be used, for example, to jar the reader and pack an extra punch.

For instance, if I wrote a poem with an ABBA CDDC EFFE rhyming scheme and then wrote three non-rhyming lines at the end, that break in structure (in this case rhyming structure) would immediately draw the reader’s attention to those lines and thereby emphasize their importance. And so, those last three lines should be the most important of the piece, should pack the most punch.

But your couplet simply repeats the ideas that have already been emphasized throughout the rest of the piece. They are not more important and they don’t end the song with a bang. In that respect, then, I don’t think your break in self-imposed structure is justified. That said, however, I think using a couplet to end the song is an excellent idea, and one that can be put to good use with some tweaking. First, I think that last couplet needs to rhyme. The other ones are fine without rhyme, but you want to leave the listener with something extra catchy and extra memorable as you close the song. That way, your lyrics will make an impact on the listener, speak to them more deeply, and stick with them longer. Second, I think they need to add something new to your reflections on body language and the meaning of silence – that could be a controversial conclusion, or universal truth or what have you, just as long as it punches your audience in the guts and makes them remember those last few words!

2) Rhyming scheme

You also have a break in the rhyming pattern of the first rhyming verse. In the second rhyming verse you deploy a AABBCC scheme, but in the first you deploy AABBCD – i.e. the last to lines do not rhyme. (”With your lip upturned I feel the burn / Of the contempt you hold for me.”). As with the overall structure of your piece, a break in rhyming scheme should only be utilised when something requires extra emphasis. In this case, it simply seems out of place, and will likely make that portion of the song flow less smoothly.

3) General Execution

The basic message that I’m taking away from this is as follows: body language speaks louder than words, you can tell what someone is thinking just by their mannerisms, and that when this is negatively directed towards a person it can be emotionally devastating. However, the narrator rises above this by using positive body language to counteract the harsh actions of the other person. Yet the last lines suggest that the narrator is not as strong as might seem, as they are still ”deafened by the silence”.

Overall, I think the message and meaning are direct, simple and easily understood, which I think is an asset in this case – i.e. you’ve created a song that is about a moment and feeling that just about everyone can relate to and understand, and you’ve communicated this effectively. So, you’ve gotten your main point across, which is the main battle. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/t/t…" width="15" height="15" alt=":thumbsup:" title="Thumbs Up"/>

Nevertheless, I do think you could explore the notion of body language and its “silent volume” a bit further and with a bit more intensity. It comes across relatively well that this is a tense moment for the narrator, but I think that you could up the oomph factor just a little bit. Give us a bit more of how the narrator is feeling at that moment. Is there self-doubt? Self-hate? What is the relationship between the narrator and the negative person? Give us some more relatable material. Perhaps add a third verse about how the narrator feels afterwards, about why they are able to put on a strong show but are nonetheless “deafened.” You could even try out some heavier language if you’d like. Try inserting a few well-timed and well-executed metaphors, for instance. This might fail miserably, or it might work. You can only give it a go and see, right. Just be careful not to purple your writing and make it too flowery or sappy. The concrete directness of this works, and you don’t want to lose that overall tone.

I’m also a bit on the fence about the inclusion of the “deafened by the silence” line. It’s a reworked variant of the popular cliché “the silence is deafening,” a much overused expression. Part of me feels that, because of this, you should scrap it and think up your own symbolic or clever expression about verbal silence and non-verbal expression. The other part, however, says keep it because hey, this is a song. It’s meant to be relatable and easily understood. Songs are like communicable diseases. You want ‘em to spread, and a cliché is immediately recognizable and comes pre-loaded with meaning. So, I’m fencing on that one, but I figured I’d send my thoughts on it your way.

All in all, I think you’ve crafted a compelling, catchy, and deeply meaningful piece and you should be proud of that. But I also think that with a little spit ‘n’ polish you could kick it up an extra notch and make it even more meaningful and impactful.

Good luck with any edits you make to this piece, and don’t forget to save a copy of the original in case you don’t like some of the edits you try! And please let me know if you post a new version or update this one. I would love to read it!

Be well and go safely in all that you do.

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tazz.